Its been over a year now since my first day in Mumbai, one of the day's most deeply seared in my mind. It's been over a month since I've gotten back to the United States. It's been a very slow time, and after living in India everything seems to be exactly the same; quiet , slow, and filled with so much empty space. Culture shock can seem worse coming back. While I knew everything would be different when I was going, I didn't realize how much my perceptions of things could changed. Little things, like people moving so slowly in airport lines (with over 20 million 'Mumbaikars', Mumbai would never get anywhere if people moved as slow as Americans do), cashiers demanding even two cents due ("COME ON! IT'S TWO CENTS!), and having to walk to places nearby (seriously, Rickshaws are cheap, fast, and awesome). Then there's slightly larger things, of course one of the quickest things I miss is spicy home-cooked food, I miss bollywood music (I can hear groans already- some of my friends both here and in India) and daily conversations about different aspects of the many cultures in India. There's things like the number of people around. When I first got back to Manhattan, Kansas it struck me just how Indianized my eyes both were and are: seeing so much empty green space, and total lack of people (but not cars) seemed ugly, legitimately frightening, but amazing that such a place could exist, and I got to experience what someone coming from India for the first time to Manhattan, Kansas would. It was actually beautiful to see the exact reverse reaction in myself from when I first got to India.
But there are larger things that I miss that are more abstract. Anyone who goes to India for even a day can come back and miss the food, music, or different appearance of things. Sure, if they come back so quickly, they probably won't miss crowds. But after living in India for a year what I miss is a string of different norms that come together as part of a larger culture, the things least understood by outsiders. Having so many, many people pop into the house at anytime for anything, and the ability to do the same for so many other houses as well. Having so many people, be so close both emotionally and physically all the time is, like so many experiences I've had, something that I've grown to love after getting comfortable with it. It's part of a larger mindset of caring deeply about whether someone is 'someone we know' (in which case they must be treated as family) or 'someone we should wait and find out about'. It's a culture where your reputation and relationships with others are the most important things about a person.
My most recent host dad said something interesting to me, before I left India, that he had not realized until I had come, that once a person is both accepting of the community around them, and that community is equally accepting, that anyone, regardless of where they're from, can fit in and relearn all sorts of totally different social customs and norms, and understand new values, and can function like anyone else. And that may be more easy to say than to do since most things that we take for granted can be totally different; Is a kindergartner walking alone to school a "sign of emotional maturity and independence" or a sign that "his family doesn't care enough about him to do their duty towards him"? Is having a meal alone a "nice occasional break from family" or "something that causes me to go to someone else's house for lunch"? Is an arranged marriage "marrying someone you hardly know who'll make you unhappy" or is a love marriage "marrying someone you hardly know who'll make you unhappy"? While I've felt all along that anyone can exist in almost any environment with enough of an open mind and enough hard work all along, it feels amazing to see that in action.
So many people do live totally different lives than Americans do, and while I'd like to stress that they enjoy their lives as much as (or more) than Americans do, switching from someone's own country can be a big shift out of their comfort zone. One of the important reasons why I wanted to go to India, was because I felt that I should expand my comfort zone. I'm a pretty privileged person who really hasn't had a lot of hardships or obstacles laid in my way in life, and I felt that I should prevent myself from being unable to deal with obstacles when they do come up. I had a mindset, before going to India, that I was living the dream and generally living the most happiness-producing lifestyle in the world. When I got to India, I was immediately out of my comfort zone. But the purpose of leaving the comfort zone is not to make someone just miserable or unhappy; it's to expand their comfort zone, just like everything else that we try for a first time. And once I did that (fairly quickly in the Fall of last year), and was comfortable enough to easily enjoy myself just as much as I do in the U.S. I was able to pay attention to everything around me. I was struck by a pretty amazing realization: I don't have the most happiness-producing lifestyle in the world. Other people who have less, are happier. Some have a lot less. Some only a little bit. Some are maybe less happy than me, some much more. This may sound like a very basic realization that I should've understood a long time ago, but it really hit me in the face this year, when I spoke with my host families, when I spoke with my friends, when I spoke with shopkeepers, my classmates, students that I taught English and Debate to (that's another huge story), maids, rickshawalas (who drive Rickshaws), tribal people, a member of the legislative assembly (you may not remember me, but I will never forget your moustache Mr. Sardar Tara Singh), Brahmins, Imams, Christian Pastors, people who live in slums, people who live in high rise apartments, children who lived in the neighborhoods that I lived in, and all sorts of random men, women, and children curious to speak to a foreigner (many of whom had never before in their lives met a westerner). And to hear their voices and perspectives on things in life (some important, some totally trivial), often very different what I've heard before from people around me in the U.S., and often in Hindi (the vast majority of India's population cannot speak any English, and even in urban Mumbai English-speakers are a minority) fascinated me because it gave me a better understanding of so many things unique to India, through their own words. And while not all Indian lifestyles are really conducive to happiness (I'd hate to be scrounging for scrapes on the road, or to be an Indian student preparing for my twelfth board exams), the basic realization that there are other lifestyles, with different routines, different amounts of time spent on different parts of life, different ways of interacting with friends, family, strangers, or anybody, or different daily habits, that make people happier than what I experience here in the U.S., opened my mind hugely.
Before going to India, my biggest dream in life was to help everyone in the world get the same lifestyle as I have in the U.S.. And while poverty, illiteracy, and corruption are pretty big problems that I witnessed firsthand (and knew would exist before I went), many people would genuinely not be happier if they lived the lifestyle that I do in the U.S. This isn't just coming from some kid who's singing "(Money) Can't buy me love", this is coming from someone who just spent the last year experiencing not one, but four lifestyles, each with a different pattern of living, for a year. Whether I was rushing about in a big city that may not always understand the concepts of "routine" and "planning ahead", seeing deep simplicity and contemplation in rural ashrams, interacting with hunter-gatherers who still sleep on dung floors, or sitting in my classroom of 130 students listening to one lecturer learning about the history of Maharashtra, I lived this year by constantly experiencing totally different ways of people thinking or feeling about every little thing around them. All this isn't to disparage anyone in the U.S. or make them depressed about their way of life- it's fine if it makes you happy and doesn't hurt others. But for me at least, I'm comforted by the idea that there's more to it than just what we see right here.
India is an amazing country that's got a lot more happening in it than anyone could ever see or be a part of in a lifetime, let alone a year. It is, arguably, more diverse in terms of culture and people than the entire continent of Europe. It's an amazing collection of cultures with different styles of art, a nation with a deep sense of history. Though many people in India like to remind foreigners that India is a five thousand year old civilization, it's undergoing a modern boom as India is not only bringing its culture and values into the modern world, but exporting them- Bollywood has surpassed Hollywood in many countries as the most popular genre of foreign films, some of the most profitable technology are founded and operated from India, and India has already landed a robot on Mars. Just the people who are my age or younger (16 and below) in India already outnumber the entire population of the United States. And in a part of the world where not every country is democratic, India has a pretty amazingly strong and healthy democracy, with many political parties and a voter turnout rate higher than the U.S.. Above all, I'm proud to have gotten the opportunity to go a live in India, to deeply experience India, and to learn as much as I can.
Instead of saying goodbye, in Hindi we say 'Phir Milenge' which means 'We'll meet again'. Instead of saying goodbye to all that I've seen and learned in India, I feel like I'm taking it with me wherever ago, adding more and more great adventures to an ever increasing story. We never mean to say goodbye in India, in the sense that as long as we want to meet again, we will. Although sometimes I'm sad about all the people, places, and little things to appreciate in India that I miss, I'm happy because I know I'll see them again, and happy to see all the people, places, and things to appreciate here in the US. And I'm ever more excited to meet all the amazing people I haven't met yet, to see all the amazing places I've never been to, and find more things to appreciate in this big beautiful world.
To my friends in the US- thanks for looking out for me when you doubted my sanity or seriousness in saying "I want to live in India"
To my friends in India- thanks for showing me all the amazing stuff you all did
To my family in India- thanks for letting me be every bit as much a part of your family as any other family member
To my in America- thanks for believing in me and being willing to let me go when I know that it was a hard thing for you to do
And to everyone in India who met me, or saw me on the trains and asked who I was and why I'd come, or saw me walk by, thanks for all the stories.
Phir Milenge
